My secret is I’m stubborn
This weekend I reached a milestone. I’ve written before about the fact that I’ve always been heavy. I’ve written before about the circuitous illogic I have used in the past to keep from pressuring myself to lose weight, or even just to take better care of myself. From those known quantities, I avoided …well, quantification for a long time. I didn’t own a scale and back in the day I didn’t go to doctors all that much, so I got weighed maybe once a year or so tops. At some point, and I don’t remember when, but it was slightly pre-2000 (when health issues started me on the long march of much more frequent doctor visits), I tipped the scale at 275 pounds.
The thing is, I don’t want to focus just on number of pounds lost. That’s obfuscating and frustrating and can be a trigger for some people. And yet. I was tired, and when I got sick I was that too. As treatment made me feel better I started, for some reason, doing Tae-Bo in the mornings. There was an 8-minute tape, the quick morning workout, and I would do it maybe three days a week. Eight minutes. Three days a week. 24 minutes total. And even that little bit helped, so out of shape was I.
That was the start of my way out – of my own head, and my own weird issues about weight and numbers. I didn’t have to take anything away, I thought. I merely had to add exercise. And so for a few years that’s what I did. And it worked! I didn’t really get into weighing myself so I don’t really know quite how quickly pounds went, but they did. Eventually.
In 2007 I was diagnosed with Type II diabetes. The time had come, the nutritionist said, to change the way I ate. (Actually if the time had come a few years earlier I might have put off this diagnosis, but that is not what happened and not worth fussing over at this point.) At that time I believe I weighed around 240. I got more serious about exercise, making sure I was going to the fitness room every morning, and I did change my diet. Mainly by cutting carbs, but it was something. And to make up for the cut carbs I had to eat something, so at last I turned to more fruits and vegetables. Grudgingly, sure, but I did it.
After a couple years I got down into the 180s pretty consistently. Then in 2009, when my father passed away, I gained about 10, maybe 15 pounds back. I didn’t worry about it too much. I hovered in the 190s. Then I hovered around 200. Then this summer I realized I was over 200 as often as I was under. And I was tired of it. There is so much that is harder to change, I realized.
Understanding I’m worth the effort. Understanding all my problems won’t be solved by losing weight. Understanding that working on this doesn’t excuse me from working on other things. Understanding that all of this change takes time. Understanding that it’s not fair that I have to write down everything I eat and measure stuff. Understanding that it is not about “not fair,” it’s about doing the things that even the field. That make up for what nature didn’t give me.
This morning, and yesterday morning, and two days is a trend, I weighed 174.6. I’m not skinny and I never will be. I love every stupid frustrating minute – month – year this took, and I realize it’s not over. I realize the effort has to be habit. I realize the habit pays off.
I wanted to post a “before” and “after” picture, but I had trouble finding a decent picture of me from the pre-digital era. I got my first digital camera in 2003, and didn’t realize how much easier (and less stupidly self-indulgent) it made self-portraits. Anyway, so I have no idea what the hell I am wearing on my head in the “before” picture. It is from Christmas 1998. It is kind of ridiculous, but I’m not here to ridicule. Somewhere in me then was the seed of who I am now, and I’m thankful for that. Here’s to you and your absurd sense of haberdashery, 1998 Me! And 2013 me…it really probably is about time you got a full-length mirror. Sometimes it is honestly okay to be able to see if your shoes match your shirt.
Thank goodness I eventually learned how to pick a suitable hat.
February 10, 2013
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Jen · 
12 Comments
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12 Responses
Congrats! Even if you’re not emphasizing the numbers, that’s still a hell of a milestone, and I’m super happy for you!
And nary a Pride & Prejudice hat to be seen! Ha.
Congratulations to you, not only for your weight loss accomplishment (which is considerable), but for your attitude of acceptance and doing what it takes to change, no matter how big or small those steps may be or how long they take.
Thanks Rob!
Is that a Pride & Prejudice hat? No wonder it’s so godawful! Heh.
Thank you!
Go you! You look great and I’m glad you’re feeling more healthy.
Thanks Genie!
Hot damn! Congratulations! I am so impressed!
You are a goddess. But you always were.
Thanks, Christie!
Oh Cori, thank you sweetie. It takes one to know one!
I am so glad that I got to read this. I know that losing weight doesn’t solve all your (or anyone’s) problems, but knowing that you can change your life makes anything possible. Thanks for the inspiration.
I’m glad you got to read it too, Mike! And thanks!
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